Self-sufficiency is, in loads of cultures, an indicator of profitable adulting. And the attract of being perceived as a self-made success could make independence the last word objective. Maybe you’ve witnessed it in a buddy who smiles away each provide of assist. (Virgo a lot?) Or possibly you’ve discovered your self striving to keep away from asking for assist. It’s solely pure to take action in a world the place dwelling alone is the fascinating customary (for uncoupled adults), solo journey is on the rise, and creating your personal profession or facet hustle—launching that podcast, publication, or channel from scratch—is closely praised. However what occurs when self-reliance goes too far? Enter: hyper-independence.
The urge to continually do it your self can simply go unexamined, and what was as soon as a reluctance to ask for assist can turn out to be a close to incapability to take action. As soon as you end up teetering towards the latter, it’s seemingly that your once-healthy degree of independence and self-sufficiency is on the verge of turning into poisonous hyper-independence.
“A hyper-independent particular person takes their sense of independence to the intense and chooses to not search assist or steering from one other particular person when in want.” —Katrina Leggins, LCSW, therapist
A hyper-independent particular person “takes their sense of independence to the intense and chooses to not search assist or steering from one other particular person when in want,” says therapist and self-care educator Katrina Leggins, LCSW. Typically, this particular person’s refusal of help comes at their very own hurt or detriment, she provides, as a result of they’re pushing away assist at instances after they might genuinely use it.
Actually, that’s to not say that making an attempt to determine issues out for your self—and studying from the errors that inevitably occur if you accomplish that—isn’t a invaluable and worthwhile high quality. However it’s necessary to tell apart between these wholesome self-help tendencies and behaviors that contain striving for independence to a fault.
Why is hyper-independence problematic?
To know the potential results of hyper-independence, it’s helpful to think about its origins. In line with naturopathic physician and holistic anxiousness coach Courtney Paré, ND, hyper-independent behaviors sometimes start as a protecting mechanism, designed to offer an individual with a way of security. So the (defective) pondering goes: In the event that they aren’t reliant on anybody however themselves, they will have full management over the outcomes of their life.
Over time, this protecting mechanism can invite a number of repercussions, together with “a rise in loneliness and burnout, which additionally raises the danger for growing anxiousness and despair,” says Paré.
Although hyper-independent people would possibly suppose they’re defending themselves from being let down by others (in the event that they don’t ask for assist, they will’t be disillusioned after they don’t obtain it), “they’re really stopping themselves from creating wholesome and fulfilling relationships,” says Paré. It’s solely via collaborating within the pure give and take of serving to and receiving assist that you may develop a way of intimacy and connection, in any case.
Even those that initially really feel pleased with their self-sufficiency will finally lose steam, says Paré. However fairly than let others understand how they’re feeling—whether or not that’s exhausted or lonely or anxious—hyper-independent folks are likely to proceed to self-isolate, which might have lasting results on their well-being, she provides. An April 2023 evaluation of analysis on loneliness and mortality discovered that social isolation is linked to a better danger of untimely loss of life.
What are the important thing indicators of hyper-independence?
With the ability to adequately acknowledge poisonous independence is step one in stopping additional escalation. Under are a number of key indicators of hyper-independence, in keeping with Paré and Leggins:
- Having problem delegating
- Turning into suspicious or irritated when folks present an effort to get to know you
- Preferring to work alone fairly than in a bunch
- Partaking in perfectionistic tendencies
- Needing to remain busy on a regular basis
- Refusing to ask for or settle for assist from others
- Struggling to share wants or feeling annoyed or resentful when different folks share their wants
- Discovering it difficult to be susceptible
- Not with the ability to belief
- Partaking in coping behaviors to numb emotions
Moreover, one of many largest early indicators of hyper-independence is an aversion to feeling or being perceived of as needy, says Leggins, which feeds into the tendency to keep away from asking for assist. “Typically, hyper-independent folks determine because the ‘reliable’ or ‘robust’ buddy or accomplice,” says Leggins, which is why it’s necessary to take be aware should you (or a liked one) current as extremely succesful in almost each situation.
The hyperlink between hyper-independence and trauma
A dialog about hyper-independence isn’t full with out mentioning the position of trauma. As famous above, hyper-independence usually springs from a protecting mechanism—and the necessity to shield one’s self (in any respect prices) could come from having skilled a traumatic occasion.
“It’s important to focus on that hyper-independence can develop from trauma or modeled conduct the place the particular person learns that self-reliance is the one method to cope or survive,” says Leggins. Contemplate an individual who had an emotionally abusive dad or mum or one who failed to satisfy a core want. Over time, they might internalize that asking for a should be met is futile or might put them at emotional danger, main them to cease asking. That tendency can then be tough to show off in maturity, even after they’re in a relationship with somebody prepared to satisfy their wants.
As an alternative, this particular person could default to not counting on anybody and equally resist anybody counting on them. “They don’t need to be let down once more and need to shield themselves,” says Leggins, emphasizing that the concern of others disappointing or hurting them is usually a robust motivator to remain guarded and wholly self-sufficient.
Steps to take to counter hyper-independent tendencies
Studying methods to heal hyper-independence can enhance your well-being and shut relationships, romantic and platonic. For Paré, it begins with redefining what it means to simply accept assist and softening dominant ideas round independence. “In the event you imagine accepting assist is an act of braveness, energy, and development [rather than a sign of weakness], your mind is more likely to get on board with the thought,” she says.
Altering your perception system is a course of that takes time, although, which is why Leggins suggests easing in at a tempo that feels protected with reflective actions like journaling. Extending self-compassion and style is a extra fruitful technique than anticipating a direct mindset shift.
“In the event you imagine accepting assist is an act of braveness, energy, and development, your mind is more likely to get on board with the thought.” —Courtney Paré, ND, naturopathic physician
You may additionally want to look at the basis reason for your hyper-independent tendencies in an effort to work via them. “In case your hyper-independence stems from childhood trauma, for instance, working with a trauma-informed therapist who gives trauma-focused cognitive behavioral remedy, EMDR, or somatic remedy might help,” says Paré.
Leggins additionally highlights the significance of neighborhood care. Studying to belief your internal circle, leaning in your neighborhood, and being open to the concept real assist exists, are all ways price embracing. “Begin difficult the hyper-independent conduct by pushing your self to make small requests from shut pals or members of the family,” she says. Ultimately, bigger requests for assist will really feel extra pure and fewer daunting.
To assist reinstate your means to belief others, you may additionally take into account volunteering, says Paré, “which is an effective way to witness how connecting and fulfilling it may really feel to work with different folks towards a typical objective.”
As you tackle these new behavioral habits, it’s necessary to acknowledge that feeling some discomfort and apprehension is regular. “Whereas there is at all times the chance that you’ll get let down or harm, there’s additionally an enormous risk that you’ll really feel supported, liked, and linked,” says Paré. “And the extra liked and linked we really feel, the extra geared up we’re at dealing with life’s inevitable ups and downs in wholesome, sustainable methods.”